What do I say?

I have always heard people talk about the way their life changes in a moment. Mine did too. On January 21st 2007. Walked into the new year with a lot of hope, dreams and positive attitude. Not one for resolutions, I did make one this year. Not to let life and its pitfalls get to me. It was good until that date. I woke up feeling strange because the lights were not on, and the door was not opened. I open the door get the Newspapers and walk in to wake up dad. I knew, when I stepped into the room that he was no more. It was probably intuition, the coldness of the room, the way the room's spirit was or a combination of all of this. I was trying to wake him up. He refused to. He gave up. He gave up on me, he gave up on life. All I remember saying was "No! No! No! Appa, NO!" I then ran to the phone and called my aunt and came back to try and wake him up. He did not wake up. I just sat down. On the floor. And had a conversation with him. It was one sided and the conversation was in my head. You know, I did the same with my mom.

Things went ahead at a breakneck speed. Family arrived, funeral was done, everybody got on with their lives and their family. Except for me. I did not have any of the above mentioned. Nobody's fault. Especially not my dad's. Just mine. This is when I realised the true meaning of being alone, with nobody by my side.Eventhough we all say and try to live life without regrets, death is the wretched thing which will do that to you.

I wish I did not decide to go away from dad. Maybe, he would be here with me today if I decided otherwise. I wish I called him more often. I wish I sent him more money. I wish I listened to him more. I wish I did not walk away from a conversation with him the day before he died. I wish I hugged him more.I do not know or I can not say what can make the grieving process easier for anyone.

But it helped to see my Brother. It helped that he was strong. Made me want to be strong. It helped that he grieved. It showed me that it is OK to grieve.What do I say about my loss. Just that I lost. A big loss.

There is no one to console me when I cry. There is no one to wait up for me. There is no one who will put my needs ahead of his own. There is no one who would skip breakfast so that I had something to eat when I get home from work. There is no one who will laugh with me. There is no one who can tell me about my chldhood. There is no one who knows what I like and dislike. There is no one who will smile through my tantrums. There is no more unconditional love. Period.